Does "Inner Noise" Plague You?

Dear Neil:  I seem to be forever plagued by strong emotions pulling me in different directions.  Several days ago I learned that I am pregnant, and I am extremely torn about what to do.  On the one hand, I would love to have a child.  On the other hand, I’m not in a committed relationship, and I do not want to raise a child alone.  But I’m in my mid-30s, and I may not get many more opportunities while I am able to conceive.

I’m also plagued by mistakes I’ve made in the past.  They keep coming back up in my mind, where I replay them over and over, wincing at what I said, or how I said it, or how I misinterpreted someone, or how I handled a situation that could have been handled better.

Internally, I’m a wreck.  I can’t sleep, and I’m having a hard time eating and concentrating.

Help.

Tortured in Australia

Dear Tortured:  You are describing inner “noise.”  It is noisy inside of you.  You have several unresolved internal struggles going on at the same time, which is why you’re feeling so plagued and tortured by competing thoughts and feelings.  All of us have gone through periods of great internal turmoil, which is where much of our inner noise comes from.

The way to lessen your internal noise is give it expression.  Different voices inside of you are trying to express themselves.   Here’s how you can allow them expression:

Find a journal or a pad of paper.  Then invite the emotions within you that represent your “inner critic” to express themselves.  This is the side of  yourself critiquing and criticizing you for your past mistakes, judgments or behaviors.  Give this inner critic full, unedited license to express herself about whatever she feels and thinks.

Then, on separate pages, allow your “higher self” expression.  This is the part of you that sees beyond your mistakes—to your intentions.  It sees the “you” that tries hard and is sincere and genuine. This is the side of you that loves and respects you, that wants the best for you, and that is friendly and compassionate toward you.

For your struggle about whether or not to become a Mom, you might invite other inner voices full expression:  the side that’s saying “yes,” and the side saying “no.”  The voice within you that wants a child at any price, and the voice that wants to holdout for an involved husband and father.

Other inner voices which you might consider inviting input from include:  hurt, perfectionist, vulnerable, people pleaser, hope, child-like, trust, love, driven, insecure, anger, anxiety, sadness, lonely, inadequate, fear, self-protections, yearning and spirit.

In a like manner, any internal struggle can be dialogued out using this basic script. 

One book that explains this process is “Embracing Our Selves” by Hal and Sidra Stone (New World Library).

If you invite the various “selves” within you clear full expression, your internal chatter will subside.