Interpreting Signals

Dear Neil: I met a real nice man about six months ago. We have been out a few times and he calls me every day. We talk about a lot of things, but I don't know much about him. He doesn't live very far from me, but when I ask him to come over, he says that he's working. When I start asking him about what he wants from me, he changes the subject. Why does he call all the time, if he doesn't want to see me? When we talk on the phone, we talk about work or what's going on in his family, or the weather, but never about us. The times we were together, he has been so sweet and kind, and treats me like I'm someone special, so I just don't get it.

Becky H.
Englewood, Colorado

Dear Becky: He's not interested in a romantic relationship with you. He doesn't want to get close and personal, and most importantly, he doesn't want to be with you. He is gently saying "no", but may sincerely enjoy having you as a friend and sounding board. In interpreting another person's signals about whether they're available for a romantic relationship or not, always look at their actions. What they say is less important than what they do.

Dear Neil: (Recently) my husband confessed that he'd been having an affair the past nine months with a married woman. She has (also) confessed that she planned to get this affair going because she wanted a new husband. We have decided that after 38 years together--four grown, well-educated and decent children--six grandchildren and a comfortable life style, (that) we will not separate or divorce. I realize that my husband must and should carry 50% of the blame, but nothing is ever said about the lack of morals or even common decency of women such as this. She deliberately set about to destroy our family. Would you please address this issue? What do we do about these low-life bimbos? They have absolutely no concern about how many people are hurt by their actions.

A very sad wife, mother and grandmother
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Dear Very Sad: You could tell her and your husband about the hurt and pain this has caused you. You may need to work through your sadness and allow yourself to grieve because you have incurred a series of losses. Tend to your marriage and family, but also look at your own needs, wants, goals, yearnings and passions. This would be a ripe time for the two of you to enter couples therapy and work on improving your marriage, as well as you finding a way to make peace with the past.

I'm sorry that this has caused you pain. It is hurtful that another woman would behave like this, isn't it? I'm afraid that there is nothing healthy you could do about her, other than not letting this experience defeat you. Anything you do towards her that's vindictive and angry will only leave you feeling bitter and more lonely.

We're all fighting our own battles in life, including your husband and the other woman. Your battle may be about coming to terms with feeling betrayed and dishonored, and about how to stop this from destroying your spirit. Keep your chin up.