Maturity Consists of Certain Skills and Behaviors

Dear Neil:  Could you address the issue of maturity?  What is maturity?  Are there certain behaviors that comprise maturity?  Are there certain skills that compromise maturity as it applies to a marriage or a relationship?  My husband says I don’t act with maturity, but I’m in my 60’s and have thought of myself as a mature person for years.

Trying To Understand in London, England

Dear Trying To Understand:  Here are my thoughts about the skills, abilities and attitudes that are components of maturity.  If I am mature, I:

• Exercise considered judgment before acting on something important.  Do I control my emotions and impulses (anger, revenge, lust, vindictiveness, etc.) in order to make the wisest choice?
• Act with integrity.  Am I honest, reliable and trustworthy?  Do I keep my promises?  Do I do the things I say I admire, and do I avoid the things I say I don’t respect?  Does my  behavior match my values?
• Have made peace with my past.  And am no longer controlled by it.
• Am able to learn from mistakes.  Therefore, I’m less likely to repeat the same errors in the future.
• Have the ability to contain reactions and be in charge of my behaviors.  Including what I say, how I say it and what I do.
• Believe and trust in myself.  People with great insecurities defeat themselves.  They tend to assume the worst, have problems with trust and they’re less likely to love fully.
• Accept responsibility for the predicaments I get into, and I accept responsibility for getting myself out of bad situations.
• Have stick-to-it-ness.  I do not give up on important tasks, goals or relationships until all options have been exhausted.
• Am responsible for making sure that if I use the statement “I love you,” that my behaviors match those words.  If I say “I love you,” I am declaring that your feelings and needs are important to me, and you have the right to expect me to behave in loving ways toward you.  But the less mature I am, the harder it is for me to consistently act loving to you.  If, unconsciously, I see my partner as my caretaker; someone who’s purpose it is to satisfy my needs; someone to give me safety, security and happiness, then I will feel betrayed and resentful anytime s/he does not fulfill that role.  This is why romantic love only works well for grown-ups.
• Actively pursue my goals, and I have the ability to delay impulses for instant gratification so I can concentrate on longer-term goals.
• Distinguish between what’s important and what isn’t.
• Give as much as I take.  In a relationship I am as tuned into my partner’s feelings, needs  and desires as I am to my own.
• Soothe/nurture myself in healthy, appropriate life-affirming ways.
• Am willing to continuously grow and learn.  To be consistently recreating myself and evolving.
• Treat my partner with fairness, benevolence, trust, benefit of doubt, good will and absence of malice.

Would anyone like to add to this list?  If so, send it to me, and I’ll publish it in a future column.