Mistakes As Teachers

Dear Neil:  Could you talk about why I keep thinking about various mistakes I’ve made over the years?  Most of us cringe whenever a mistake of ours is discovered.  It causes embarrassment, so we try to cover up our errors any way we can.  Sometimes I think of mistakes that I made years ago that I still feel intense embarrassment and shame over.  But if anybody calls attention to a mistake I’ve made, I get defensive and angry.  Why is this happening?  What can I do about it?

Embarrassed in Colorado

Dear Embarrassed:  Mistakes give us feedback.  Every blunder tells us what we need to change, correct or learn. 

Learn to think about your mistakes in ways that remove their catastrophic qualities.  Instead of catastrophes, view your mistakes as valuable teachers—as occasions for new learnings, as warnings to slow down, or as warnings to look at what you’re doing, says John Bradshaw in “Healing The Shame That Binds You” (Health Communications, Inc.)

The problem is that if you were shamed a lot as a child, or grew up in a shame-based family, your mask of perfectionism converts such warnings into moral indictments of your worth and value.  You then become so preoccupied with defending yourself and protecting your self-image, that you miss the opportunity to improve—and become a better, more skilled, more self-aware individual, says Bradshaw.

If you think about it, some of your greatest lessons have come from your mistakes.  You have a temper outburst, and because of that your boyfriend drops you—and that teaches you what you can and cannot do in life.  It’s how we grow, how we gain wisdom and maturity, how we acquire a better understanding of how the world works.

Here’s what you can do:

• View your mistakes as your teachers.  They have something to teach you about how things work and how you are expected to behave.  With every misstep or error that you make, ask yourself “What is the lesson in this mistake?  What do I need to learn in order to avoid making this mistake in the future?  What can this teach me?”    Actively look at what you can learn from your mistakes or your failures.
• Do not let your past mistakes stop you from going after what you dream of.  Feel the fear, or the embarrassment, or the anxiety—and then go after making your goals and dreams come true.  Nothing will heal a failure faster than going out and succeeding the next time.
• Don’t wallow in your mistakes.  It’s easy to get stuck, and it’s a bad place to be. Don’t let your failures defeat your self-confidence and your belief in yourself long range.
• Focus on your successes, also.  You may be doing far more right than wrong.  Don’t lose sight of your good qualities, skills and abilities in the larger picture that is your life
• From the perspective of the big picture, will this be important, say ten years from now?  If you can’t say yes to this question, then you’re sweating the small stuff.
• Head off potential future mistakes by looking at what you’re doing now—or not doing now—that you’re going to regret later on.

Everyone makes mistakes.  People in all walks of life, all professions, all age groups.  Don’t define yourself by your mistakes, and let them undermine your self-confidence.  Let your mistakes be your teachers, and then define yourself by the best of what you are, not by the worst.