Understanding Your Father

Dear Neil: My childhood was made a misery by a violent father with a terrible temper. He never showed me any love, warmth or interest. He never spoke to me as a human being. Now that I am a grown women, I cannot relax around him or even look him in the eye, because I still fear him and feel the need to keep my defenses up.

How could I possibly tell my father about the anger, hurt and fear I feel toward him? What method can I use for understanding him and his behavior, and for self-healing?

Janice
Wellington, New Zealand

Dear Janice: There are several things you can do in order to understand and make peace with your father--or with both your parents for that matter. Shauna Smith, in her book "Making Peace With Your Adult Children," suggests several steps. In order to gain a greater understanding of your father, reflect on or write down the following questions. Better yet, ask him these questions if you can:

• What kind of home did my father grow up in?
• What did he think of himself as a person while he was growing up?
• What traumas did he experience in his childhood?
• What was the social, political and economic environment in which he lived?
• What attitudes was he exposed to about the work ethic, money, sexuality, gender roles, parenting, the reasons for living and beliefs about dying?
• What was his relationship like with his brothers and sisters?
• In his family, were children put into certain roles such as "the responsible one," "the black sheep," or the person who tried to make sure everyone got along?
• Was there sexual abuse, abandonment, betrayal, alcoholism or severe physical or emotional punishment in his home?
• How were differences treated in his home?
• Was he loved by his parents? How did he know?
• Why did your father marry your mother?
• How prepared was he to marry and raise a family? Had he resolved his childhood issues? Did he have good relationship skills? Did he know how to understand, or resolve value differences? Had he grown up himself?
• What about his sense of personal achievement? Did he focus mainly on survival, or did he figure out what he wanted to do and follow through with it?
• What traumas, deprivations or losses did he undergo as an adult?
• What life dreams did your father give up?
• What overwhelmed him about trying to raise a family?
• What events took place during the time you were growing up that affected him and his attitude?
• What patterns from his childhood did he repeat in parenting you?
• If he were starting over today as a father, what would he do differently?
• What have you learned about your father by doing this exercise?

These questions are designed for you to gain a greater appreciation and understanding of what influenced your father to behave as he did. These questions are not intended to condone or excuse mean, hurtful or abusive behavior.