Woman Wants Child and Husband Doesn't

Dear Neil:  I am a 38 year-old woman who has recently married a 50 year-old man with two grown children.  I would dearly love a baby, but each time this issue is raised he gets hostile.  He has had a vasectomy, but my time for having children is ticking by.  I feel if I raise this problem much more, he will walk out on me.  We have been married less than one year, and I thought marrying him would enhance my opportunity for children, which he has always opposed.

Childless Wife
Wellington, New Zealand

Dear Childless:  Did you really expect that your new husband would change his mind about children simply because he married you?  Even if he wanted more children, vasectomies are not always reversible, so you would not be able to count on having child regardless of his decision.  But you’re saying that having more children is something he’s always opposed, so what made you think this was something he’d change his mind about?

The first step is to openly address this issue with your husband.  Ask him if there’s any way he’d be willing to reconsider having children.  Is there anything you could do that would help him to be more receptive to the idea?   What would he want from you in exchange for reconsidering his stance about children?

If he says no, you’re going to have to face some tough choices.  Although it’s a bit late in the game to be asking this question, does not being able to have a baby change your interest in being married to him?

Don’t try to blackmail your husband into having a child.  It is likely to backfire, and the mistrust and ill will it will generate will be hard for your marriage to overcome.

Dear Neil:  Years ago my husband of thirty-six years was introduced to blue movies.  He has not done without them since.  We are at the stage where these movies come first, and the intimacy in our relationship has all but gone.  Where to from here?

Christchurch, New Zealand

Dear Christchurch:  Perhaps you could open a very honest dialogue with him about the state of your marriage.   What happened to all the closeness, intimacy and trust?  Is there a way of recapturing that closeness again?  How?  What would he have to do if you guys were gong to have a good relationship again?  What would you have to do?

Work toward rekindling the intimacy and the friendship, and see if you can figure out how to be effective friends, partners and lovers again.  Openly explore what it would take to rekindle the warmth, affection and closeness in your marriage.

I predict the X-rated movies will lessen or stop when the two of you can be warm and passionate again, since they are likely a substitute for having someone he feels connected to and close with.  If the movies don’t cease or lessen dramatically, confront the issue.   Tell him the movies hurt and anger you, and make you feel badly, and then ask what it would take for him to cease watching them altogether.  What would make it worth his while—that is, what would he like from you in exchange for giving up the movies entirely?