Communication

WHEN PARTNER IS HOSTILE, SAY "TALK TO ME LIKE I'M SOMEONE YOU LOVE"

The problem is familiar to most of us. Whether it originates from tension, stress, problems at work, problems with a child, disagreements, arguments, money worries, health concerns or any number of other reasons, sometimes you and your intimate partner get angry with each other, and tempers between the two of you flare.

Couples Communication

Talking to Each Other

So frequently do marriage therapists--including myself--hear couples complain that they don't communicate well, that I thought I would offer an exercise for those couples who would like to improve the quality of communication in their relationship. These questions are taken from Bonnie Sose's book "Talk to Me".

Identifying Your Wants and Needs in a Relationship

Dear Neil: I have been dating a guy for four months. He has never been married. He’s 43 and I’m 42. He seems to be a taker, and it feels as if he wants a part-time girlfriend. He says he doesn’t want a mother, but sure is OK with me doing all of his domestic duties and a lot of little extras for him. I don’t feel we are a couple, and he isn’t meeting my needs. How do I tell him I want more?

Feeling Alone in Kansas City

Making a Behavior Change Request

Note: This is the second of a two-part series.

Want to control your impulse to criticize or complain about your intimate partner? More importantly, would you be interested in having your partner consistently meet more of your needs, wants and desires? Try making a behavior change request, which is far more likely than complaining, criticizing or withdrawing to get you what you want.

What Happened to My Marriage?

Dear Neil: Please help me understand what happened to my marriage. In the beginning of our relationship, we were so close with each other: we spent huge amount of time talking, going to movies and new restaurants, traveling, sharing hopes and dreams, romancing each other, continually making love. We were always affectionate—touching each other, holding hands, cuddling—and it was easy to let go of whatever grievances, annoyances, irritations or differences we had with each other.

Couple's Exercise: Working Through The Frustrations

Note: This is the first of a two-part series.

Would you like to increase the closeness and intimacy between the two of you as a couple? Resolve conflicts more amicably? Get your deep-seated needs met consistently? Increase passion? Have a more intentional and conscious relationship? Try this couple’s exercise, courtesy of Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt in "Getting The Love You Want Workbook" (Atria Books).

Couple's Communication Exercise

Enhances Communication

With couples who enter marriage therapy complaining of communication problems, I sometimes offer them communication skill-building exercises as a way for them to talk more openly with each other. One such exercise follows, courtesy of Jennifer Louden in "The Couples Comfort Book" (Harpers SanFrancisco):

Learning Empathy

Imagine the following scenario: Someone close to you gets in an accident and winds up with a broken nose. Her nose healed, but she remains fearful of being seen in public. She says her nose doesn’t look right, and she doesn’t want anyone to see her, so she stays home virtually all the time. You’re in the position of encouraging her to get out of the house and resume her normal life. Which of the following comes closest to how you would handle the situation: (A) “Your nose is fine. This fear you have is all in your head.” (B) “I’m going t

What Do I Do When My Boyfriend is Very Friendly With His Ex?

Dear Neil: My boyfriend (not live-in) is very friendly with his ex. They have had an off-and-on intimate relationship over the last 20 years. She sometimes comes to see him in the evening unannounced—cooks him dinner and stays late into the night. This seems disrespectful to me. The trouble is, he asked me if I minded and I didn’t say no. Maybe I should have, but I didn’t want to seem jealous and controlling. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.

Troubled in New Zealand

Getting Your Needs Met in Your Relationship

Dear Neil: I am a 41-year-old woman. A year ago I met a man of 51 who has never been married. We have a lot of common interests and enjoy being with each other. But things have happened that have set off warning bells for me. First, he told me he has enough money to look after himself, but not me. Second, he has asked me to live with him, and has said he would like me to pay half the mortgage and living expenses—including food. When a man dates you, doesn’t he want to buy you lunch or dinner? What is he telling me?