Conflict Resolution

Resolving Hot-Button Conflicts

Note: This is the second of a two-part series.

Even lawyers aren't always adversarial. Many lawyers will acknowledge that a successful negotiation allows both sides to walk away from the table feeling content with the outcome.

Overcoming Obstacles

Dear Neil: My boyfriend (Type A personality) and I (Type B) are on the brink of calling it quits after an 8 month long-distance relationship. Up until about 10 days ago, everything was wonderful. Truly wonderful. We had begun discussing marriage and we were both sure that we’d found “the one.” But after finding out that his boss would not allow him to move to Denver (as earlier promised), and I not being able to move to Kansas City due to my owning a successful business in Denver, things have seemingly begun to fall apart.

Sharing The Bills

Dear Neil: I got out of a ten year relationship, and five months later got into another one. After four months, I decided to take a chance and we moved in together. I have three children, two of which are teenagers, and there are expenses, house cleaning chores and cooking needs—none of which my new man is helping with. He hasn’t offered any money to help run the house. What do I say to communicate to him that he needs to pitch in and help out financially?

Strapped in San Antonio, Texas

Solving Relationship Problems Requires Compassion

Note: This is the third of a three-part series.

Want a technique that will replace your anger and resentment with something more compassionate and loving? Steven Stosny in his groundbreaking book You Don’t Have To Take It Anymore (Free Press) explains how to rid yourself of anger and resentment:

Making a Behavior Change Request

Note: This is the second of a two-part series.

Want to control your impulse to criticize or complain about your intimate partner? More importantly, would you be interested in having your partner consistently meet more of your needs, wants and desires? Try making a behavior change request, which is far more likely than complaining, criticizing or withdrawing to get you what you want.

Regaining a Relationship with Your Grown Children

Dear Neil: I have completely lost contact with my grown children (ages 30 to 18). Their mother and I had a nasty, acrimonious divorce, and she practiced child alienation, bad-mouthing and condemning me a great deal to them. I feel rejected by them because it feels as if they have taken their mother’s side and are against me. They also talked back to me a lot, and blamed me for the divorce. Recently I have been advised to reestablish contact with them, but I’m very reluctant to do so because I don’t want to be rejected and judged as an inadequate father.&nbs

The Way Around Somebody's Defenses

Dear Neil: I am so frustrated with my husband that I’m thinking of separating from him. I don’t believe in divorce, but I’m not sure I can tolerate living with him anymore. Anything that even hints at me telling him I’m upset with him, that I don’t like something he has said or done—or, heaven forbid, when I criticize him for even minor transgressions or insensitivities—he immediately puts up a giant defensive wall, and overreacts with a great deal of anger, personal attacks, withdrawal and telling me I do the same thing I’m complaining about.

Lack of Sex Requires Heart to Heart

Dear Neil: A few years ago, my husband of 22 years wanted sex and I didn’t, and he tried to physically force me to have sex. When that did not work, he pushed me out of bed. My father was a physically and verbally abusive man, and this may be part of the reason why I am having such difficulty forgiving this one transgression. My husband is deeply remorseful, has totally acknowledged the wrong he has done—and the hurt and damage he has caused. Unfortunately, since this happened, I have been a reluctant and resentful participant in any sexual activity with hi

Clearing The Air in Your Relationship

Dear Neil: My relationship with the man I’ve lived with for seven years can get very volatile at times, and tension can build uncomfortably high between us. There is a fair amount of distancing, withdrawal and irritability between us. But both of us are conflict avoiders, and neither of us is good at bringing tensions or issues up for discussion. Is there a way to tell when we need to talk about conflicts and differences, even when we don’t feel like it?

Stubborn in Longmont, Colorado

Solving Seemingly Unsolvable Conflicts

Does this problem sound familiar? She wants him to take a larger role in housekeeping, domestic chores and keeping the place picked up. He wants her to get off his back.

Don’t relate to that issue? How about this one? She wants to socialize with and meet new people at parties and other social events, while he wants her to stay with him. He wants her to make him the center of her attention.