Evaluating a Partner

ARE YOU STRONG ENOUGH TO BE MY MAN?

Dear Neil: I grew up in a household with an emotionally unavailable father, and I courted "bad boys." Even now, I find myself questioning the "good guy" I am now involved with. He's emotionally available (which I sometimes find to be weak), and I'm constantly trying to play up his "macho" side. His sweet side (talking in a baby voice, expressing his emotions, not liking football) are things that scare me into thinking he's weak. In all other ways, including sexually, we are great together. But I can't help questioning whether he is strong enough for me.

SETTLING FOR "MR. GOOD ENOUGH"

Dear Neil: I am a 36 year old single woman who has never married. I have dated literally hundreds of men from all walks of life---from professionals, to artists, to ski bums, to doctors and to performers---and a whole lot of other men who don't neatly fit into an easy category. But every man I've dated turns out to have a fatal flaw.

QUIZ: HOW TO SPOT A LIAR

Many of us have been lied to by someone we love and trust. Although there are differences in lies---some people exaggerate the truth, other people leave important information out, still other people rationalize or excuse their own misrepresentations---the end result is often broken trust. And trust turns out to be a cornerstone for virtually all our relationships---no matter whether those relationships are with friends, family, parents, children, coworkers, sales people or intimate partners.

HOW DO I DETERMINE IF SOMEONE HAS PROBLEMS WITH INTIMACY?

Dear Neil: I have recently been involved with a 29 year old man. We got along really well. Although he doesn't live in the same city as I do, he visited frequently, we talked on the phone every couple of days and we maintained something of a relationship over a couple of months. Suddenly, however, he became quite cold and distant---and finally told me that while he loved spending time with me, felt he could talk with me, was attracted to me physically and although we shared lot's of laughs, he didn't feel it was "special" enough to want to pursue it any further.

WHAT TO CONSIDER BEFORE GETTING ENGAGED

Note: This is the second of a two-part series

Here are things to examine before you consider marriage:

THINGS TO KNOW BEFORE YOU GET ENGAGED

Note: This is the first of a two-part series.

Dear Neil: I'm getting ready to pop the question, and wondered whether you have any guidelines about knowing whether someone would be a good choice for me. We are different in so many ways, but we enjoy many of the same things, we get along well, I'm attracted to her and I think we love each other. Is that enough? You hear of so many marriages falling apart, and I don't want to rush into this blindly. Is there anything else you think I should consider?

Ready in Hawaii

ACCEPTING WHEN HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

Dear Neil: My boyfriend and I haven't been together for very long. We fell in love very fast, and have suffered a miscarriage. Since then he has become more obsessed with his autonomy and having space, and he has been emotionally distant. He is yet to be divorced (he's taking his time), and I found out recently that he has been in email contact with his wife, which he lied to me about. I'm getting increasingly depressed and obsessed, and I'm snooping through his stuff.

Finding Love Becomes Harder as We Get Older

In my 28 year practice as a marriage and family therapist, perhaps the most unexpected discovery I’ve made is related to how hard it is for full fledged adults to create and maintain a healthy, positive intimate relationship over time. I have always thought that if you were a single adult over 40 and looking for a relationship—and I mean seeking an actual adult relationship, not a temporary feel good experience—that there are lots of hungry people out there dying for a genuine relationship with the promise of happily ever after.

How Can I Tell Mr. Right From Mr. Wrong?

Dear Neil: I am in a four month relationship with a man who has proposed to me. We are both 26. I want to get married and have a baby, and I am leaning toward accepting his proposal. But I am getting a lot of flack from my parents and others in my family saying I don’t know him well enough and that I should hold off. We do love each other, have similar goals in life and enjoy many of the same activities and interests.

Quiz: Are You Friends with the Person You Love?

Most satisfied couples will tell you that friendship is the most important ingredient in their relationship. Think for a moment of a person that you would call a good friend – someone other than your partner – and see how many of the following statements apply to that relationship. Put a check mark beside the statement if it applies.

____ 1. We support each other in the tough times.

____ 2. We understand each other.

____ 3. We enjoy one anothers’ company.

____ 4. We treat each other with respect.