Making Peace with the Past

EVALUATING YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT YOUR MOTHER

Note: This is the second of a two-part series.

LOOKING AT THE FEELINGS I HAVE TOWARD MY MOTHER

Note: This is the first of a two-part series.

Childhood Patterns Persist When Not Dealt With

Dear Neil: I married the distant/critical type and had to get divorced. I am currently dating the loving/approving type, but I occasionally find myself being distant and critical with him. What do I do to stop the cycle and not drive the good man away?

Christchurch, New Zealand

Dear Neil: I’ve been married 23 years (the second time around) and find myself in the same boat as the first time. Intimacy just isn’t there, and I think that most of the problem is mine.

Carrying a Torch for Somebody from the Past

Dear Neil: Twenty-five years ago, I had a four-year relationship with a woman that ended badly. But ever since then, I’ve had dreams of reconnecting with her. So at the time of my recent divorce, I contacted her, told her of my desire for her, and invited her to get together again. She said that she was in a happy relationship, that she wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize it, and would I please not contact her again. But I can’t get her out of my mind, and I find myself thinking about her a lot. I’m mentally comparing other women that I meet to

Forgiving Your Parents and Making Peace With The Past

Note: This is second of a two-part series.

How Childhood Impacts Intimacy in Adulthood

Note: This is the first of a two-part series.

Dear Neil: My ex-husband was emotionally unavailable. After 20 years of marriage, I called it quits. But he has also been emotionally unavailable to our children. Will this effect their intimate relationships? And will this get passed on to their children?

Doubly Hurt in Wellington, New Zealand

How Do I Let The Past Go?

Dear Neil: About four years ago I was working out of town. Over the two weeks I was away, my wife had a brief romantic fling. Except she lied about it, telling me they were only friends. However, the younger kids told me of a night when Mommy wasn’t home at 1:45 a.m, and they had to call her on her cell phone to get her home. After repeated questioning she admitted she had gone to the beach one night and “necked” with a man—although that’s all she admits to. She told me she was afraid I was going to leave her if she had told me the truth from the begi

Making Peace With Your Parents

Dear Neil: My mother and I have never been close. I had to fend for myself as I was growing up and never got care and comfort from her on an emotional level. She has the beginning of dementia, as well as physical problems. She requires a lot of watching over and supervision, and I find myself putting more and more effort into her need for ever-increasing care. I can’t say “She took such good care of me when I was little that I can now repay her.” In fact, I greatly resent all that is required of me today. I can’t stand to be in her p

Who Were You 20 Years Ago?

Dear Neil: I am 59 years old, and am told by my oncologist that because of my inoperable liver cancer I have at best only a few more weeks to live.

I am trying to sort through the clutter of my life so I can die with a sense of inner peace and contentment. Do you have any suggestions how I might make sense of my life, and how to be at peace with it?

Dying in Colorado Springs

What Factors Determine Whether You Heal From Childhood Abuse?

Dear Neil: Your column about incest and rape brought up a question I hope you can address. I am survivor of long-term (9 years) childhood incest, and I was later raped as a teenager. I have attended support groups for survivors, and 12-step programs for co-dependency. I have been in and out of counseling, and have read just about everything I can find about sexual abuse. Can you tell me what factors enable some victims to recover while others do not?

Trying Hard