Disconnection

Dear Neil: Can you help me repair my relationship? The lady in my life and I have lost the ability to be close with each other. Here's how a typical conversation between us goes: Me: "How was your day?" Her: "I'm annoyed. I feel like I'm a verbal punching bag at work. I'm in a bad mood." Me: "Well you're not at work now. Let's do something fun." Her: "You do it. I don't want to do anything tonight."

Note: This is the first of a two-part series.

We all know that it feels more intimate to be connected to the person (or people) we care about and love.  Much less understood is how a couple who starts out with lots of love, erotic energy and hope—lose their close connection—and begin the painful process of falling out of love and feeling disconnected from one another.

Feeling a bit disengaged or withdrawn in your relationship recently?   Don’t feel badly.  Most people do.

Everyone—no matter how close or intimate, and no matter how much you may love each other—sometimes feels disconnected from the people they love and are devoted to.  Let’s face it:  living with someone—or being around someone a lot—can really tax our patience.  We can grow annoyed with people we also love and care about, including our children, parents, extended family, friends and especially our intimate partners.

Have you ever wondered how committed couples begin to fall apart?  Typically one person gets preoccupied at work, or with the kids, or with day-to-day living or with worries.  The other person gradually notices the partner/spouse/lover is more preoccupied and less emotionally present, and unconsciously adjusts his/her own emotional presence to match.

This is subtle process that typically occurs beneath our awareness.  But this process will, over time, insidiously undermine the strength of our intimate connection.