Sabotaging a Relationship

QUIZ: ARE YOU SABOTAGING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?

Intentionally or not, might you employ sabotaging behaviors in your intimate relationships? Take this quiz to find out. Rate your answers on a scale from 1 to 5, in which 1 = never; 2 = sometimes; 3 = half the time; 4 = often, and 5 = always. This quiz is courtesy of Randi Gunther in the book Relationship Saboteurs (New Harbinger Publications).

1. If you queried all your significant intimate partners, would their complaints be similar?

2. Have you dismissed your partners' requests for change as unimportant?

Attracted to the Wrong Person

Repeating The Familiar

"Why am I attracted to emotionally unavailable men?", asks Sandra P. from Christchurch, New Zealand. "Time after time, I get involved with men who are emotionally withdrawn and distant, or physically remote, or married, or workaholic, and do not want to be close to me, except sexually. These men do not want me to know a lot about them, and they don't usually get to know me very well either. They seem to want the companionship and sexuality of a relationship, but not the sharing, closeness, commitment or intimacy.

Seven Deadly Relationship Sins

Here is a list of seven deadly relationship sins:

Lying Boyfriend Should be Dumped!

Dear Neil: My boyfriend of seven months said when we met said he was a doctor. My mother decided to see on-line where he went to school. She never found him. So she did a background report to make sure I was safe, and lo and behold, there was no information on his job, but we discovered that he is married. I confronted him about that. He said he is in a nasty divorce and it’s almost over. He said he didn’t tell me because he didn’t see the point. Two months later he tells me he isn’t a doctor and he never went to West Point like he said he

Carrying a Torch for Somebody from the Past

Dear Neil: Twenty-five years ago, I had a four-year relationship with a woman that ended badly. But ever since then, I’ve had dreams of reconnecting with her. So at the time of my recent divorce, I contacted her, told her of my desire for her, and invited her to get together again. She said that she was in a happy relationship, that she wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize it, and would I please not contact her again. But I can’t get her out of my mind, and I find myself thinking about her a lot. I’m mentally comparing other women that I meet to

Withdrawal and Disconnection

Feeling a bit disengaged or withdrawn in your relationship recently? Don’t feel badly. Most people do.

Everyone—no matter how close or intimate, and no matter how much you may love each other—sometimes feels disconnected from the people they love and are devoted to. Let’s face it: living with someone—or being around someone a lot—can really tax our patience. We can grow annoyed with people we also love and care about, including our children, parents, extended family, friends and especially our intimate partners.

Hot and Cold Behavior is Confusing

Dear Neil: I am a 25 year-old divorced mother. My boyfriend and I recently moved to the same neighborhood to be close to each other, but ever since then he has gotten moodier and more distant.. This has made me increasingly panicky about our relationship, and when I question him about his motivation for space, he gets angry and says we should break up. I love him very much and would give him the world if it would make us better again. But I feel unimportant, devalued and that he doesn’t respect my feelings. How do we get back to good?

When Trust is a Relationship Issue

Dear Neil: I am currently trying to salvage my relationship with my girlfriend of four years. I have caused a lot of hurt to her (drinking related), but for the last seven months I have been trying to show her that all of the bad things are gone. She says she can’t go back. I love her deeply, yet it took getting to this point to have finally owned up to my issues and to do something about them. Is there a way for her and I to work this out? There is still a lot of love there, but I have been pushing and pushing on the “us” issue and I think I may have

What Makes a Person Emotionally Unavailable?

Dear Neil: What makes a person—namely a man—become emotionally unavailable? Why do men seem to value being emotionally available far less than women? What are some things a man could do to overcome being emotionally unavailable?

Hurt in New York

Craving Intimacy - But Rejecting It When Offered

Dear Neil: I don’t understand why a man who said he was searching for a love relationship rejected it when it was offered to him. He said I was his best friend, easy to get along with, comfortable to be around, responsive, warm, affectionate, hot, romantic and sexy. He said I was everything he was looking for in a woman, that he was looking to settle down and marry, and that he was deeply in love with me.