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Changing Feelings of Inadequecy and Shame

Note:  This is the second of a two-part series.  

Feelings of shame and personal inadequacy can be transformed into feelings of self-love and self-caring.  The negative feelings can end.  Here’s how, according to Pat and Ron Potter-Efron in the book “The Secret Message of Shame” (New Harbinger):

Do You Feel a Lot of Shame?

Note:  This is the first of a two-part series.

Dear Neil:  I have been full of shame and fear all of my life.  I recently met a guy who uses alcohol to cover up his emotions, which I guess to also be shame and fear.  We’re both in our fifties.  Is he a good risk for me?

Wistful in Wellington, New Zealand

Healing Inner Shame

Dear Neil:  I was very interested to read your column about the rage-shame connection.  My husband suffers from this to a degree that it affects every day of his life.  How do you heal shame?

Trying to Overcome

Wellington, New Zealand

Inner Shame Prohibits Intimacy

Dear Neil:  You’ve recently written about shame.  Can you address why some of us feel an inner sense of shame no matter what we say or do?  I’m not talking about feeling ashamed when I do something I know to be wrong.  That’s having a conscience.  I’m talking about feeling unworthy, inadequate, unlovable or not good enough—even when I have not done anything wrong at all.  Also, I can’t seem to have a good intimate relationship no matter what I do.  Why?

Not Measuring Up
London, England

Being Less Defensive and Reactive

Dear Neil:  I seem to get defensive a lot—whenever someone at work criticizes me or suggests how I could have done better, whenever my husband makes a request of me that implies that I’m not doing a good enough job as a wife, whenever my daughter says something that hurts me.  Then I get angry, and I can get very angry—even rageful.  Could you explain why I am reacting the way I do, and what I can do to improve it?  I know most of the time people are trying to be helpful and constructive, but they get me all the same.  Why?

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