Troubleshooting Your Relationship

Why Our Relationships Grow Sour

ARE YOU STRONG ENOUGH TO BE MY MAN?

Dear Neil: I grew up in a household with an emotionally unavailable father, and I courted "bad boys." Even now, I find myself questioning the "good guy" I am now involved with. He's emotionally available (which I sometimes find to be weak), and I'm constantly trying to play up his "macho" side. His sweet side (talking in a baby voice, expressing his emotions, not liking football) are things that scare me into thinking he's weak. In all other ways, including sexually, we are great together. But I can't help questioning whether he is strong enough for me.

READER ASKS: "IS MY FIANCE CALLING OUR RELATIONSHIP OFF?"

Dear Neil: I'm in a two-year long-distance relationship, and we got engaged four months ago. But my fiance has become detached, and may have cold feet. We set a date one year out for our wedding. Then he became very stressed (finishing his masters degree, work, finances, etc.). So he postponed the date, and wants to keep it open instead of rescheduling it. He said he cannot handle the pressure, and he wanted to be stable in his career before tying the knot. I accommodated and canceled the date. We also agreed that I would look for a job in his city and then move in with him.

READER ASKS: "HOW DO I FIX A RELATIONSHIP THAT'S BROKEN?"

Dear Neil: I have a daughter with my on-and-off-again boyfriend of three years. On one of our off times, he got another girl pregnant, and I am struggling with that. I have tried to be supportive, but it is hard because I feel so betrayed. It is the cause of most of our fights, and he has cut me off from that part of his life---as if it has nothing to do with me. I have such conflicting feelings about this that I don't know if our relationship can survive this struggle. I would greatly appreciate some advice.

SETTLING FOR "MR. GOOD ENOUGH"

Dear Neil: I am a 36 year old single woman who has never married. I have dated literally hundreds of men from all walks of life---from professionals, to artists, to ski bums, to doctors and to performers---and a whole lot of other men who don't neatly fit into an easy category. But every man I've dated turns out to have a fatal flaw.

HOW DO I DETERMINE IF SOMEONE HAS PROBLEMS WITH INTIMACY?

Dear Neil: I have recently been involved with a 29 year old man. We got along really well. Although he doesn't live in the same city as I do, he visited frequently, we talked on the phone every couple of days and we maintained something of a relationship over a couple of months. Suddenly, however, he became quite cold and distant---and finally told me that while he loved spending time with me, felt he could talk with me, was attracted to me physically and although we shared lot's of laughs, he didn't feel it was "special" enough to want to pursue it any further.

LOVE ISN'T ENOUGH TO SUSTAIN A RELATIONSHIP

Dear Neil: My fiance and I are in a 15 month relationship, and we're planning on getting married 5 months from now. But before we marry, we need some help. First of all, you would think that we have been together long enough so that we would have worked out basic living agreements. But no, we focus on very different priorities in our day to day lives. He leaves the toilet seat up, leaves his clothes in a pile on the closet floor, leaves dishes in the sink for days at a time, and wants the bedroom window open at night so that we can freeze all night long. All of these just drive me bonkers.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU HEAR "I LOVE YOU, BUT I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU"

Dear Neil: Regarding your recent column on the confusing message "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," does it matter that my husband of many years says he no longer loves me, but is still the same caring man he has always been? Don't actions mean more than words?

Puzzled in Wellington, New Zealand

Dear Wellington: If your husband is saying he no longer loves you, that sounds very serious, and I would not recommend you ignore those words simply because he is still sweet and caring.

WHAT DOES "I LOVE YOU, BUT I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU" MEAN?

If you've ever had someone you love and care about say to you: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," you will know how disorienting and puzzling it is to hear such words.

ACCEPTING WHEN HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

Dear Neil: My boyfriend and I haven't been together for very long. We fell in love very fast, and have suffered a miscarriage. Since then he has become more obsessed with his autonomy and having space, and he has been emotionally distant. He is yet to be divorced (he's taking his time), and I found out recently that he has been in email contact with his wife, which he lied to me about. I'm getting increasingly depressed and obsessed, and I'm snooping through his stuff.