Dear Neil: Our English class would be deeply indebted to you if you would tell us exactly how to forgive those who have hurt us. Rarely do we receive pointers as to how to go about forgiving.

Monica B., London, Ontario

Dear Monica: The decision to forgive arises out of the desire for us to be at peace with ourselves and with others. There isn’t one or even several sure fire ways to forgive. Rather, forgiveness is a multi-step process which normally happens in increments over time, and which involves a decision to let go of our hurt and resentment.

If you want to forgive, redirect your attention to what creates satisfaction and happiness in your life, and reduce the investment you have in staying hurt, angry or vengeful.

To do this you have to examine why you may be holding forgiveness back, because some part of you objects to forgiving the other person, and still wishes to hold the offense over his/her head. People often fear that if they forgive, they are opening themselves up to being hurt or victimized again. Thus, people think that holding onto their grievances keeps them on guard and protects against the same or similar occurrence repeating itself.

But it really doesn’t work that way. Not forgiving just keeps us frozen in our resentment and anger, and it stops us from enjoying our life, trusting o giving are :

• Ask yourself what you have learned and how you have grown from the experience. So often the things that wound us teach us the most about ourselves and what’s important to us in life.
• How will your behavior be different in the future as a direct result of you getting hurt or wounded?
• Don’t express your anger destructively to other people. Look underneath your anger, and ask yourself “What am I hoping to achieve with this anger? Will this really make me feel better? What am I really wanting from the other person?”
• What in your life–and even in your relationship with the person that hurt you–are you grateful for? When you focus on what’s good in your life, and on what you’ve got, you feel better. When your attention shifts to your pain, you feel worse.

Sidney and Suzanne Simon, in the book Forgiveness offer an additional exercise:

• Write a letter addressed to yourself from the person who hurt you. It will be a letter of apology, written from the point of view of the person who hurt you. It does not matter that you may never receive a real apology from that person. What does matter is that he or she hurt you, and owes you an apology. Write the apology that you know you deserve, the letter that is long overdue, the words that say what you need to hear.