Quiz: Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships?
Intentionally or not, might you employ sabotaging behaviors in your intimate relationships? Take this quiz to find out. Rate your answers on a scale from 1 to 5, in which 1 = never; 2 = sometimes; 3 = half the time; 4 = often, and 5 = always. This quiz is courtesy of Randi Gunther in the book Relationship Saboteurs (New Harbinger Publications).
1. If you queried all your significant intimate partners, would their complaints be similar?
2. Have you dismissed your partners’ requests for change as unimportant?
3. Do you continue with certain patterns of behavior, even when they are clearly driving your partner away?
4. When a partner is distressed with you, do you respond defensively and justify your actions?
5. Did anyone in your childhood justify hurtful behaviors that happened to you or to others?
6. Would you be unable to tolerate a partner behaving the way you behave in your relationships?
7. When you’re confronted with behaviors your partner doesn’t like, do you try to reverse the blame and focus on your partner’s faults instead?
8. Do you expect your partner to excuse your faults because you have other good qualities?
9. Are you likely to blame your partner for behaviors you yourself use?
10. When your relationships have ended, do you usually feel self-righteous and blameless?
11. Are you threatened by your partner’s other close relationships?
12. Do you find yourself often seeking reassurance?
13. Do you regularly worry that your partner will leave you?
14. Are you resentful if your partner argues with your decisions?
15. Have past or current partners complained that you dominated the relationship?
16. Can you sometimes allow your partner to tell you what to do?
17. If there is a difference or disagreement, do you insist that things be done your way?
18. If your partner doesn’t do what you want, do you punish him/her?
19. Do you find yourself retreating from the relationship when things seem really close?
20. Have you become an expert in convincing your partner to come back after s/he has given up on you?
21. Do you have the pattern of desiring connection but later feel trapped?
22. Do partner’s tell you that they don’t trust your love anymore?
23. When challenged, are you quick to assume a fighting stance?
24. Are you a sore loser?
25. Have past partner’s complained that, no matter what they do, you don’t believe that they really care about you.
26. Does too much happiness make you uncomfortable?
27. Is it hard for you to be interested in someone else’s conversation unless it pertains to you?
28. Do you feel neglected when your partner doesn’t put you first?
29. Do you have tantrums or withdraw when you don’t get your way?
30. Do you verbally dominate conversations?
31. Do you hide your addictive behaviors?
32. Do your relationships fall apart because of your addictive behaviors?
33. Do you give into behaviors that keep you from being the person you want to be?
34. Do you revert to name-calling, mud-slinging, silent treatment, withdrawal or threats when you’re angry?
35. Are you unable to stop relationship-destructive behaviors even when you know you risk losing your partner?
36. Do you consistently attract selfish or self-centered partners—and then feel used when the relationship is over?
37. If your partner finds fault with something you’ve done, is your first response to defend yourself?
38. Do you keep your partner from knowing information that would cost you options were s/he to know?
39. Do you do things that betray your partner’s trust?
40. Do you take advantage of your partner’s gullibility by telling him/her things that aren’t true?
Scoring: Add up your total score. A score of 80 and below indicates that although some of your behaviors may be hurtful or annoying, most of the time you’re doing what a healthy relationship requires. If you score from 81 to 100, you are distancing from your partner and are at risk of eroding the trust in your relationship. With a score of over 101, you are actively in the process of relationship sabotage.
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Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
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