If you are planning on being married, and would like to know your fiancee‚ better–or build more intimacy into your relationship–address the following questions with each other:

• What are some of your life’s dreams?
• How did your parents treat you when you were young? How well did you get along with your parents?
• Growing up, how would you describe your relationship with your brothers and sisters?
• How was love expressed in your home when you were growing up?
• How would you describe your current relationship with your parents?
• Was there a lot of confrontation and/or anger in your family? About what?
• Do you see yourself ever going back to school?
• Did you make many friends throughout your years in school? Are you still in contact with any of these friends?
• What is your greatest accomplishment or triumph?
• If you could change one event in your past, what would it be?
• What is the greatest lesson you’ve learned in life?
• What are you most proud of in your life?
• What is your philosophy of life?
• How many hours a week do you anticipate working?
• Can you let go of work when your come home? On weekends? On vacations?
• How well liked are you at work?
• Do you have any secrets you would like to tell me?
• What makes you angry?
• Are you primarily a saver or a spender?
• Are you in debt?
• Who will be in charge of budgeting? Can we agree on a budget before we get married?
• How will we handle our property (cars, houses, furniture, etc.)?
• How do you see us dividing the household chores?
• What are the biggest stresses you currently face?
• What do you like best about me?
• If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
• How would you describe me (and my personality) to someone else?
• Why do you think we are a good match?
• Who has the best marriage you’ve ever seen? Why is it a good marriage?
• What is the best present you’ve ever given? Received?
• What subjects do you tend to avoid? What subjects do you think we have been avoiding?
• Do you have any enemies?
• Who are your best friends?
• What do your parents (friends) think about me?
• How would you describe our relationship to a good friend?
• What kinds of problems do you see us having in marriage?

If, for some reason, you perceive something in your fiancee’s attitude or manner that disturbs you, bring this into the open after this exercise, tell him/her why you are concerned, and see if you can resolve your differences.

If you think that talking about these questions will upset your fiancee‚–think again. Successful marriages work through, negotiate and compromise when differences emerge. They don’t avoid or ignore disagreements, and they don’t fear that personal questions, getting to know each other better, and having a thorough discussion about what irritates or upsets the other is harmful to a long-range love relationship. The two of you should be able to talk about everything.

Many of these questions came from the book “Before You Say “I Do” by Todd Outcalt (Perigee).