Fence Sitting in a Relationship Isn’t Satisfying

Dear Neil: I am in a four year relationship with a woman I live with, but I am unable–or maybe unwilling–to commit to her.

She isn’t the kind of person I thought I’d permanently wind up with. She isn’t that attractive to me, although she is cute. She isn’t a college educated professional, and I am. She has a child who lives with us, and I am not sure I want someone else’s child. She is also not a great communicator, holding most of her emotions inside, so it’s hard to feel really close to her.
But she is, in all fairness, a great person. She’s caring, sensitive and likeable, and we have wonderful sex together. She also has a great sense of humor.

So I don’t know what to do. I have been sitting on the fence a long time, perfectly positioned between staying with her and leaving. How do get off the fence and decide?

Jonathan B., Kansas City, Kansas

Dear Jonathan: Relationships often work out not because you find the “right” person, but because you’re ready and willing to settle down and commit to someone.

In intimate relationships, if you sit on the fence for very long, you’ll find yourself continuously evaluating the other person. You’ll look at his/her faults and undesirable traits, and weigh them against your ideal mate, which is the person you want but haven’t yet found. Thus, you don’t get to relax your guard and feel normal and natural with the other person, and you don’t allow yourself to feel secure or content with the relationship.

It is a profoundly unsatisfying place to be for any period of time, for it requires you to keep your defenses and emotional shields up. It propels you to actually look for shortcomings in the person you’re involved with, and to be emotionally tentative and guarded in your relationship with him or her. It also puts you in the position of passing judgment on someone else, which is likely to make you behave in more arrogant and superior ways.

But it keeps you alone and isolated, which is a very high price to pay, especially if for any period of time. Also, can you imagine how it would feel to be in the other person’s position? It would be awkward and inhibiting to feel as if you had to continuously prove yourself worthy to someone else. It would likely force you act in a phony, ingratiating way, and you would come across as insincere and overly pleasing as if you were trying too hard. If you want to see someone’s worst foot forward, make them feel really insecure.

One way of fence sitting is to be in a relationship while you are looking for someone better. It basically insures that you’ll never feel satisfied with what you’ve got. And because it may be hard to find someone better, this kind of relationship–where you are living in perpetual dissatisfaction with your mate–can go on for many years.

This may also be complicated by the fact the relationship may be meeting just enough of your needs just enough in order to keep you interest and participation, but never enough of your needs to convince you that you’ve met the person of your dreams.